|
Post by rebecca on Aug 24, 2020 20:19:39 GMT
Alright, people, I'm starting an accountability thread!
Height: 5'8 / 173 cm Highest weight: 114 lbs / 52 kg Lowest weight: 97.6 lbs / 44.3 kg Current weight: 97.6 lbs / 44.3kg Goal weight: 88 lbs / 40 kg
After weeks of fasting and low restriction, I allowed myself to eat somewhat more than usual today. I didn't count my calories, but I estimate them to be somewhere between 500-1000 kcal. I just chugged some water and I'm incredibly bloated, so I expect the number on the scale to go up tomorrow. I'll probably take some laxatives tomorrow if the bloating persists.
I have big plans for myself. Tomorrow I'm starting a fast which I hope will last until school starts on September 14, but given my past experiences with such long fasts, I don't know if I'll last. Worst case scenario, I'll break it with some watermelon or half a banana to make the dizziness and headaches go away.
I had a complete meltdown over jeans. I spent a lot of money on black, skinny ones only to get home and realize that they don't do my thighs any favors. The cut is weird at the crotch which makes my already-small thigh gap completely nonexistent. Then I went to other stores and found some much better jeans, but ran out of money...
Anyway, excited for my fast tomorrow. I even got a cute planner to cross off the days and write down my stats.
|
|
|
Post by rebecca on Aug 25, 2020 18:34:25 GMT
I woke up 0.1 kg/ 0.2 lbs heavier. Didn't go through with my fast today as I had a few noodles and a teaspoon of Biscoff. I'm still incredibly bloated and I don't understand why, so I took some laxatives because an empty stomach always gives me extra motivation to start fasting.
I feel absolutely disgusting and as if I gained 20 lbs, not 0.2. While my thighs never looked great, my upper body used to look emaciated and now it looks like I'm pregnant. I feel like my whole progress has been canceled and I'm a fucking failure. I'm trying to calm myself down by telling myself that it's impossible to have gained and that the fact that I had 2 days of eating a little more calories than usual will "reset" my metabolism. It's hard to believe myself, though...
Here's to a successful tomorrow!
I will starve myself to 88 lbs before school starts.
|
|
|
Post by rebecca on Aug 25, 2020 19:13:40 GMT
Found some great quotes by Karl Lagerfeld:
βI never touch sugar, cheese, bread... I only like what I'm allowed to like. I'm beyond temptation. There is no weakness. When I see tons of food [...] it's as if this stuff was made out of plastic. The idea doesn't even enter my mind that a human being could put that into their mouth. I'm like the animals in the forest. They don't touch what they cannot eat.β
βThis is a question of your own happinessβothers come or donβt come later... [Itβs about] putting distance between yourself and somebody you no longer love, with whom you no longer wish to share a body.β
βDieting is the only game where you win when you lose!β
βThere is nothing worse than looking longingly at clothes that you would like to wear but that are definitely too tight for you.β
β[You will lose weight] not by hard work, but by iron discipline.β
βDonβt expect immediate results. There is no hurry. You have no deadline for a new life!β
βTreat the cleansing isolation that a rigorous diet entails as an interesting experience.β
βTell yourself that [the diet] is essentialβeven if it isnβt. Take things seriouslyβbut without making them all-important. Thatβs why you succeedβbecause it isnβt really important. You donβt have to lose weight, you want to.β
|
|
|
Post by rebecca on Aug 27, 2020 10:26:29 GMT
Yesterday was a successful fasting day! I woke up at 97.2 lbs this morning. Last night I had an ED dream that was different than all others - instead of dreaming about binging or gaining weight, I dreamed that I was finally able to fully wrap my fingers around my upper arm and my hands around my thighs. It felt so amazing. If that's not the greatest motivation ever, I don't know what is.
|
|
|
Post by rebecca on Aug 27, 2020 17:33:44 GMT
Another successful day of fasting today! I just realized I had only 1,5L of water yesterday as opposed to my regular 2L, but I took care of that today. I know it's only the second day, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I feel fine... I was already dizzy and had headaches two days into my previous fast. I absolutely hated the feeling, but it gave me reassurance at the same time.
|
|
|
Post by rebecca on Aug 28, 2020 17:20:21 GMT
3rd day of fasting! Woke up at 96.5 lbs / 43.8 kg. My legs are getting a little shaky and weak. Might break my fast on September 11 because it's a friend's birthday and it would be way too weird if I didn't order any food as she's celebrating at a restaurant. I'll order some veggies and I might drink some vodka before because I'm awkward in social situations.
|
|
|
Post by rebecca on Aug 29, 2020 18:18:38 GMT
Well, today was a flop. π Not only did I only lose 0.1 kg / 0.22 lbs, but my parents told me we're having dinner at the last minute, leaving me no time to prepare my tricks, and they also didn't let me eat in my room as usual. I took a few bites not to seem suspicious, then I shoved as much food as possible in my mouth and went to the bathroom to spit it out with the excuse that "I really have to pee". I'm starting again tomorrow.
I also had a dream that I had a graham cracker which I felt guilty about. Perhaps that's why I lost so little, haha.
At least I got my nails done...
Update: I purged earlier. Now it's almost 2am and I just snuck out of the house and walked almost a mile to throw away my food stash.
|
|